Lord of the Hitokiris
by elgaladangel
Summary: The Rurouni Kenshin world and Lord of the Rings collide in an exceedingly absurd parody. The Kenshingumi has taken the roles of the Middle Earthlings!
1. In The Beginning

This is written in honor of many people, but mostly to my friend Christine Persephone, who had the brilliant audacity to make a crossover between Phantom of the Opera and LOTR.  Not only was this hilarious and full of a great deal of sense for me, it also got me wondering about what ELSE you could cross over with Lord of the Rings?  Some of the ones were rather ridiculous—but others made far too much sense for me not to act on them.  When I finally began pairing up characters from my favorite anime, Rurouni Kenshin, with characters from Lord of the Rings, I realized that I really COULD write a parody between the two!

And so here I am, with my first Great Leap into our beloved Rurouni's world of fanfiction.  And yes, you should be very afraid.  I am obsessed with both LOTR and our Kenshin, and my mania will not go unquenched.

SIDENOTE:  Some of these characters will NOT MAKE SENSE.   Just try to laugh, accept it, and move on.  Some of you will no doubt despise my casting and throw rotten squid at me.  That's fine, your opinion is your own.  I do ask that criticism be constructive, and not ludicrously crude  (i.e. "U suk" is not good criticism.  )

THE LORD OF THE RINGS/RUROUNI KENSHIN

A.K.A.

THE LORD OF THE HITOKIRIS

_In the beginning…_

BLACKOUT

A VOICEOVER OF SOMEONE YOU WILL LATER RECOGNIZE, speaking in , ELVISH translated into JAPANESE and ENGLISH for the Non-Elves of this audience

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: I amar prestar aen. . . han mathon ne nen. . . han mathon ne chae. . . a han noston ned 'wilith.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE'S TRANSLATOR: The world is changed . . . I feel it in the water. . . I feel it in the earth. . . I smell it in the air. . .

MYSTERIOUS VOICE: ::continues on in English::  Much that once was is lost.  For none now live who remember it. . .

It began with the forging of the Great Rings.  Three were given to the Elves, immortal, wisest, and fairest of all beings.

_A mysterious glade.  THREE ELVES, one dressed rather provocatively, view their new rings._

Seven to the dwarf lords, great miners and craftsmen of the mountain halls.

_SEVEN DWARVES, all looking muscular and impressive, raise their rings._

And nine, nine rings were gifted to the race of men, who above all else ::spooky pause::  desire power.

_NINE MEN, all appearing spellbound, accept their new rings.  _

For within these rings was bound the strength and will to govern each race. . .

OMINOUS MUSIC STARTS 

But they were all of them deceived. . . for another ring was made. . .

_Scene changes to KYOTO, at the time of the Meiji Revolution.  Blood soaks the ground everywhere, and smoke and explosions constantly litter the air.  A volcano rumbles nearby_.

_Close-up of THE INFERNO ROOM, looking rather black and scary.  Inside, a DANGEROUS LOOKING YOUNG MAN with the eyes of an ASSASSIN fiddles about with fire and metal._

In the land of Kyoto, in the Fires of the Inferno Room, the Dark Hitokiri Shishio forged, in secret, a Master Ring to control all others.  And into this ring, he poured his cruelty, his cunning, and his will to dominate all life.

_SHISHIO, looking pleased (a very bad thing), holds aloft a RING made of sword-metal, which appears to have been soaked in HUMAN FAT_.

One Ring to rule them all. . .

SHISHIO:  ::evilly smiles in a very frightening manner::

One by one, all free Peoples of Middle-Earth fell to the power of the Ring. . .

_SHISHIO decides that he likes CHAOS, and to have this CHAOS continue forever, he'll DESTROY THE WORLD and bring it under his control, in which if he doesn't like you, you DIE_.

But there were some who resisted. . .

_ELVES and MEN go on parade, all wearing martial gis and hakamas.  All carry rather impressive Japanese weapons._

A Last Alliance of Men and Elves, the Ishin Shishi, marched against Shishio's troops, and on the slopes of Mount Doom, they fought for the freedom of Japan.

_Shishio's lackeys, the ORCS, clash with the freedom fighters of the ISHIN SHISHI in an impressive epic battle sequence._

SHISHIO'S LACKEY # 2309:  ::SCREECHES IN A HIGH-PITCHED ANNOYING MANNER::

SHISHIO'S LACKEYS #1—10942:  ::ECHO THIS SENTIMENT::

_We see an OLD ELF, who looks very wise and kindly and like he really should NOT be in this war scene.  He commands a large legion of ELVES.  Beside him is A RATHER SMALL HUMAN MAN who happens to be KATSURILDUR, HIGH PRINCE OF JAPAN._

AUTHORESS: Yes, that is a Katsura-Isildur mix.  Pay him no mind.

OLD ELF:  ::yells impressively in Elvish::

SEVERELY COOL ELVEN ARCHERS:  ::whomp on some Evil Orc Lackeys::

_A huge battle commences, in which the EVIL LACKEYS are RESOUNDINGLY THRASHED._ 

KATSURA:  ::wields a katana and slashes a few Orcs::

ELENDIL, KATSURILDUR'S FATHER:  ::stabs an Orc and then waves his sword about triumphantly::

It seems like the good guys are winning, but now that wouldn't be much of a story, now would it?

VOICEOVER: Victory was near…

_We see the OLD ELF halt and freeze in the middle of the fight.  As the war rages around him, he stares up in fear.  KATSURA and ELENDIL also look up, and both look frightened.  The ISHIN SHISHI slowly stop fighting and stare up…_

…but the power of the Ring, could not be undone.

_CLOSE-UP of the back of a YOUNG MAN wearing a PURPLE ROBE, with long, matted black hair tied back in a ponytail that waves in the breeze.  The camera moves back to show the whole of SHISHIO'S perspective, not to mention the fact that he's managing to LOOM OVER EVERYONE ELSE PRESENT._

SHISHIO'S FINGER:  ::has a silvery Ring wrapped around it::

SHISHIO:  ::mightily evil grin::

_SHISHIO goes to work and begins smashing the Ishin Shishi about like they were ping-pong balls.  ELVES and MEN go flying about.  ELENDIL gets mad and charges SHISHIO, and ends up very dead on a cliff-face several yards away._

_KATSURA rushes over to his father and cries over him.  SHISHIO looms up behind him.  KATSURA gets pissed off, and grabs his father's sword, only to realize that the sword is a…_

_SAKABATOU._

_And therefore, killing anyone with it would be pretty difficult._

_Plus, SHISHIO, just for good measure, stomps down on it and breaks the pretty sword into itty-bitty pieces._

It was in this moment, when all hope had faded…

_SHISHIO reaches down for KATSURA.  KATSURA freaks out._

…when Katsurildur, son of the King, took up his father's sword.

_KATSURILDUR slices at Shishio's oncoming hand with his father's broken SAKABATOU.  Except now that it's been broken, the broken edge is VERY SHARP, so that when it connects, BAD THINGS WILL HAPPEN._

BROKEN SAKABATOU:  ::slices into SHISHIO'S hand::

_SEVERAL OF SHISHIO'S FINGERS get nicely chopped off, INCLUDING THE ONE WITH THE RING ON IT.  SHISHIO screams in pain and BURSTS INTO FLAME._

_CLOSE-UP of the RING falling slowly to the ground.  It lands with an menacing thunk.   KATSURILDUR stares at it in awe, then glances up._

_SHISHIO is flaming like a MARSHMALLOW.  As everyone watches, he EXPLODES into small flickers of flame and sends out a huge shockwave before vanishing._

Shishio, Enemy of all the Free Peoples of Middle-Japan, was defeated.

AUTHORESS AND FREE PEOPLES OF MIDDLE-JAPAN:  ::Cheer::

_The RING is still lying in the dust where it fell.  A flicker of flame still seems to dance about it.  KATSURILDUR bends down and picks it up, examining it as if entranced._

The Ring passed to Katsurildur, who had this one chance to destroy Evil forever.  But the hearts of men are easily corrupted…

KATSURA:  ::grins in a familiarly evil way::  ::He has also noticeably NOT let go of the Ring::

…and the Ring of Power has a will of its own…

_SCENE CHANGE.  We are now in the middle of a GLOOMY GRAY FOREST, some years later.  KATSURILDUR, followed by some guards, is riding slowly through these woods.  The RING OF POWER is on a chain around his neck._

RING:  Psst!  Hey, you!  Orcs!  OVER HERE!

ORCS WHO JUST HAPPEN TO BE WANDERING AROUND:  Eh?  Ooh!  Evil!  ::leap upon the traveling party::

_A fight commences.  KATSURILDUR freaks out, and puts on the Ring.  He attempts to flee into a nearby river. The RING now chooses to slip off his finger._

KATSURILDUR: Hey!  Come back here!

RING: Adios, sucker!  ::floats away::

KATSURILDUR: Damnit…

It betrayed Katsurildur…

_The ORC-LACKEYS on the bank fire several NASTY BLACK ARROWS into the River.  KATSURILDUR gets most of them in his back…_

…to his death.

_KATSURILDUR goes floating away downriver.  (Poor guy.)  The RING sinks down to the bottom of the river and manages to get itself buried under a lot of MUCKY SAND._

History became legend, legend became myth, and some things that should not have been forgotten were lost.  And for two and a half thousand years, the Ring passed out of all knowledge…

_TWO AND A HALF THOUSANDS YEARS LATER…_

RING: ::lies in mud and appears to be cackling to itself, obviously gone completely insane from lack of Evil-Contact::

Until, when chance came…

CREEPY ANONYMOUS HAND: ::picks up the Ring::

…it ensnared a new bearer…

ANOTHER MISCELLANEOUS VOICE:   My precioussssssssss…

The Ring came to the creature Golishi, who took it deep into the Japanese Alps.  And there, it consumed him.

_GOLISHI is now looking rather slimy and hideous, and is crouching in the middle of a SPOOKY CAVE, clutching the RING._

ENISHI: ::mutters to himself::  It came to me, my own, my love, my own, my precioussssssss…

AUTHORESS: That was a lot like he was to begin with, actually…

The Ring brought to Golishi unnatural long life.  For five hundred years, it poisoned his mind.  And in the gloom of Golishi's cave, it waited.

Darkness crept back into the forests of the world.  Rumor grew of a shadow in the East, whispers of a nameless fear.  And the Ring of Power perceived…its time had now come.

_The RING, cackling joyously and obviously glad to be free of Enishi's CREEPILY LONG AND NO DOUBT VERY COLD FINGERS, goes rolling away from him with a hop, skip, and a jump_.

It abandoned Golishi.

RING:  ::chuckles::  Stooge!

But something happened then the Ring did not intend.

RING: Damnit…just remembered that I'm an inanimate object…::lies uselessly on the floor of the cave::

It was picked up, by the most unlikely creature imaginable.

_OOKUBO, a rather pleasant-faced government official, happens to be crawling around in the dirt_.

OOKUBO: What's this?

A Hobbit.  Lord Ookubo Baggins, of Tokyo.

OOKUBO:  A Ring…how shiny…

ENISHI: ::howls in distance::  Lost!  The precious is lost!

_OOKUBO looks rather nervous and goes scurrying away, the RING clutched in his hands_.

For the time would soon come when Hobbits would shape the fortunes of all…

_Cast List_

_MIDDLE-EARTH: Japan_

_SAURON:  Shishio _

_THE RING: As Itself_

_ISILDUR: Katsura_

_ELROND: …Wait and see._

_GOLLUM: Enishi_

_MYSTERIOUS VOICE: …Someone's going to attack me for casting, I just know it…_

_MORDOR: Kyoto during the Meiji Revolution_

_BARAD-DÛR: Six-Arch Shrine_

_MOUNT DOOM: The Inferno Room (You know, the last battlefield, Shishio's private training room, where Kenshin beats Shishio?  Yeah, that place.)_

_AUTHORESS'S NOTES: Well…it could have gone worse, right?_

_::ducks to avoid flying onions::_

_Maybe not_


	2. In the Happy Hobbit Land of Tokyo

_Okay, here we go again!_

::bows low::

_THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING_

_TOKYO, also known as the SHIRE, about 3000 years after the MEIJI REVOLUTION…_

_Happy Bouncy Hobbit Music starts…_

::Enter in KENSHIN HIMAGGINS, A RIDICULOUSLY ADORABLE AND HUGGABLE HOBBIT, who is SLEEPING UNDER A TREE.  He is SHORT, and thus EVEN CUTER THAN EVER BEFORE.::

KENSHIN:  ::wakes up and stretches::  ::ludicrously sweet Rurouni grin::

AUTHORESS: ::is hard put to NOT squeeze him::

_THE SOUND OF GRUMBLING is beginning to ring throughout the fields.  KENSHIN freezes, then leaps up in joy and begins to RUN ACROSS THE MEADOWS IN A HOBBITISH FASHION._

::Enter in GANJURO HIKO THE GREY, A WIZARD, riding on a cart with a LOAD OF POTTERY IN THE BACK SEAT.  He is clothed in TATTERED GRAY ROBES and a WIZARD'S HAT THAT LOOKS VERY STRANGE ON HIM and is looking ARROGANT, SEXY, AND A BIT MIFFED.::

HIKO:  ::is grumbling to himself::  Bloody foolish hobbits…stupid un-sexy gray robes…_why _am I doing this?!  This is beneath my dignity!  ::continues muttering, but in a more sing-song voice::  Damn never-ending road, going down from whatever door where it began, why do I have to follow it…

_KENSHIN comes sprinting up to a crest of a hill.  HIKO is just passing by.  He is noticeably MUCH, MUCH BIGGER THAN KENSHIN…but then again he ALWAYS IS._

KENSHIN:  ::crosses arms and looks cross::  You're late, that you are!

HIKO:  ::turns and glares at him from under the brim of his nifty WIZARD'S HAT:: Your shishou is NEVER late, Kenshin Himaggins.  Nor is he early—he arrives precisely when he means to.

_The two share a very solemn GLARE._

KENSHIN: ::throws away any attempt at grumpiness and beams joyously::  You're back!  ::open-armed leap at Hiko::

_HIKO quickly moves sideways on his cart.  KENSHIN goes crashing into the bench beside him_.

KENSHIN: ::swirly-eyed::  Oroooooo…

HIKO: Baka deshi!  Don't hug me!

KENSHIN:  ::quickly recovers::  It's wonderful to see you again, Master!  ::beams::

HIKO:  ::mutters something that might be interpreted as follows::  Hmph… nicetoseeyoutoo… ::cough::

_The two go RIDING ABOUT THE COUNTRYSIDE in Hiko's cart, KENSHIN continuing to be abnormally cute, and HIKO continuing to be arrogant, sexy, and miffed._

KENSHIN:  What on earth are you doing back here, Master?  I thought you never left your mountain, that I did.

HIKO:  I'm here to conspire with that government-official patron of yours about the End of the World.

KENSHIN:  …?

HIKO:  ::sighs::  I'm here for the birthday party.  Now shoo.

KENSHIN:  Oh, okay!  See you later!  ::going frolicking off::

HIKO:  ::blinks::  I can't really believe I raised my apprentice to be so oblivious…that better be an act…

_HIKO, still grumbling and still in his unsexy gray robes, has managed to find his way now to the KAMIYA DOJO…except that it's now more of a HOLE.  The HOBBIT DOJO-HOLE, KAMIYA-END.  Very comfortable, no doubt._

HIKO:  ::takes out large sword and bangs on the door::

OOKUBO:  ::from within::  Hey!  Stop that!  I LIKE that door!  ::comes out::  Oh, look, you dented it!

HIKO:  Nice to see you too.

OOKUBO:  Even though we never come in contact in the series, I'm going to pretend you're an old friend and hug you anyway!  ::does so::

HIKO:  You hobbits are a touchy-feely kind of people, aren't you?

OOKUBO:  ::prances back inside::  Come on, come in! 

_HIKO makes an AWKWARD ATTEMPT TO DO SO, as the Hobbit-door only comes to about his KNEES._

OOKUBO:  ::ecstatic that Hiko actually managed to make it indoors::  Welcome, welcome!  ::takes Hiko's nifty hat, and considers for a moment trying to remove his sword::  Tea?  Or maybe something a little stronger?  I think I might have some sake around here somewhere…::goes bustling away in a very hobbitish-fashion::

HIKO:  Just tea, thank—wait a minute, what am I saying?  Bring on the sake!  ::backs up and hits a chandelier::  Ouch!

AUTHORESS: Watch out for that!

HIKO:  ::bangs into the ceiling::  Ow!

AUTHORESS:  That too!

HIKO: You set that up, didn't you?

AUTHORESS:  That's what you get for calling my Kenshin-angel a baka deshi for all those years!  ::growls::

HIKO:  ::sulky snarl::

AUTHORESS:  ::motions menacingly towards a heavy bureau::

HIKO:  ::ignores her and goes wandering around inside a cozy hobbit room::  Hmmmmm…messy.  Obviously a bachelor hobbit.  ::spies map of Middle-Japan and pulls it out, eyeing it for a few moments::

OOKUBO:  ::bustling back in::  I can make you some rice balls if you like—::notices that Hiko has mysteriously disappeared::  Oh…um…Hiko?

HIKO:  ::magically pops out behind him::  Ta-da!

OOKUBO:  How did you do that?

HIKO:  I can do anything.  ::preens::

_Sadly, this is probably true_.

OOKUBO:  You know, I'm getting really sick of my annoying relatives.  And this town isn't interesting anymore.  So I'm going to go take a vacation with the Elves.

HIKO:  A vacation?

OOKUBO:  Or a permanent residence.  Take your pick.

HIKO:  All right, then…

OOKUBO:  I'm leaving all my possessions to Kenshin!

HIKO:  ::snorts::  Oh, yeah, THAT'S a high-quality idea.

OOKUBO:  What?  He's a good boy!

HIKO:  This place would have laundry laid out in lines from foyer to basement.  And pink.  Everywhere.

OOKUBO:  ::sweatdrop::  Maybe I better just leave it to that Kamiya-girl…it is her namesake dojo after all…

HIKO: …Give it to the baka-deshi.

_And now, in a dramatic scene change, we find ourselves at the BIRTHDAY-PARTY of LORD OOKUBO.  There is a wide assortment of Hobbitish activities going on, including DANCING, EATING, DRINKING, PLAYING, LAUGHING, CHATTING, and MISCHIEF-MAKING._

_We now see a DANCE going on between several young Hobbit-couples.  Everyone appears to be having a good time_.

KENSHIN: ::is generally being abused by the Hobbit-chicks, because everyone loves him::  Oro…

_Watching the dance, somewhat enviously, is the pretty young kendo-instructor hobbit, KAORU GAMIYA_.

KAORU:  Rrrrgh…Kenshin having a good time with hobbit-girls other than me…::smolders::

KENSHIN:  ::somehow manages to disentangle himself from his admirers and bounces over::  Kaoru-dono!   Come dance!  There are some very nice hobbits here—

KAORU:  ::glares::  Rrrrrrgh.

KENSHIN:  Oro…hmmm…::doesn't know how to deal with this::  You don't want to dance?

KAORU:  ::hopefully:: Was that an invitation?

KENSHIN:  ::clueless::  Sure!

KAORU:  ::beams::  Okay!  ::grabs his hand::

KENSHIN:  ::BLUSH::  Oro!

_KAORU has now pulled him into a dance.  It is hard to tell who is more pleased_.

_HIKO, meanwhile, in a rare moment (and no doubt drunk), has decided to please the Hobbit children by EXPLODING SOME OF HIS POTS, in hopes they will BLOW UP IN PRETTY COLORS._ 

HOBBIT CHILDREN AYAME, SUZUME, EIJI, AND IORI: ::cheer::

_Because it wouldn't be a story without them…_

_Enter in SANOSUKE BRANDYGRA and YAHIGRIN TOOK, two notorious Hobbit pranksters_.

SANOSUKE AND YAHIKO: ::evil grins::

_SANOSUKE and YAHIKO, being as they are, decide that it would be a REALLY FUN THING to go and steal…_

YAHIKO:  Explosive pottery!  ::pounces on the back of Hiko's wagon::

SANOSUKE:  ::steals a HUMONGOUS one::  Oh, we're good…

 _However, since they ARE Sano and Yahiko…_

YAHIKO:  ::lights pot::  Done!

SANOSUKE:  ::realizes they're inside a tent::  You're supposed to stick it in the ground!  ::shoves it at Yahiko::

YAHIKO:  ::shoves back::  It IS in the ground!

SANOSUKE: _Outside_!

YAHIKO: This was _your _idea—

::BANG!::

EXPLOSIVE STATUETTE:  _Fweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  _::DRAGON!::

HOBBITS:  :scatter::

KENSHIN:  Oh, dear—Ookubo-san, watch out for the dragon!

OOKUBO:  Dragon?  Don't be a silly wanderer, there haven't been dragons in these parts for a thousand years—

::BOOM!::

_The DRAGON reveals itself to be nothing more than one of Hiko's firework-pots, and everyone feels very silly._

 SANOSUKE:  ::is absolutely filthy::  That was _good_.

YAHIKO:  Let's get another one!

_A GIANT HAND comes down and grabs both their ears and YANKS THEM OFF THE GROUND._

AUTHORESS::  Because Hiko could and would do something like that.

YAHIKO:  Ow!  Lemme go!

SANOSUKE:  ::starts swearing threats that can't be put into print::

BOTH:  ::suddenly realize they are face-to-face with Ganjuro the Grey::

HIKO: ::is highly unamused::  Sanosuke Brandygra and Yahigrin Took.  I might have known.

YAHIKO:  Eep.

SANOSUKE:  ::considers acting polite for a single moment::  Okay, put me down, you giant lummox of a wizard!

_Even less amused now, HIKO totes both of them off to do laundry._

YAHIKO:  ::over a mass of messy kimonos::  But this is KENSHIN'S job!

HIKO:  If it's good enough for my apprentice, it's bad enough for you.

YAHIKO:  ::scowl::

_SCENE SHIFT to the selective party scene wherein OOKUBO is about to give a speech._

OOKUBO:  Well, I COULD give a speech, but I think instead I'm going to be fairly creepy and symbolic and put on this nice Ring of mine.  ::does so::

::POOF::

_OOKUBO has now mysteriously disappeared.  HIKO notices this and scowls._

HIKO: That was as impressive as one of MY entrances…something's wrong here.

HOBBITS:  ::scatter in fright::  Eep!  Magic!

KENSHIN:  ::clueless::  Where did Ookubo-san go?

_Meanwhile, back at KAMIYA-END…_

OOKUBO:  ::takes off Ring::  Oh, I'm good.

HIKO:  ::materializes out of nowhere::  Not good enough.

OOKUBO:  How'd you do that?

HIKO:  I'm Hiko.  I can do anything.  ::PREENS::

OOKUBO:  Humph.  Fine.  But you can't stop me from leaving.  ::makes to do so::

HIKO:  Don't forget your hat.

OOKUBO:  ::Grabs his hat::

HIKO:  And your walking-stick.

OOKUBO:  ::Grabs his walking-stick::

HIKO:  And your scarf.

OOKUBO:  Look, is there a reason for this incessant mothering, or are you just trying to prove a point?!

 HIKO:  I'm proving a point.

OOKUBO:  ::sulks::

HIKO:  What about that Ring of yours?

OOKUBO:  I have it, okay?!

HIKO:  No, no…that stays here.

OOKUBO:  Oh…really?

HIKO:  Yes.

OOKUBO:  You're sure?

HIKO:  Quite sure.

OOKUBO:  Oh…ummm… ::fingers Ring::  Weeeeeeeeeell…

HIKO: ::waits patiently::

OOKUBO:  ::suddenly turns very nasty::  You know, I'm not so sure I want to leave it here!

HIKO:  ::patience gone::  Now look here, you…!

OOKUBO:  It's mine!

HIKO:  No, it's not!

OOKUBO:  Is too!

HIKO: Is not!

OOKUBO:  Is too!

HIKO: Is not!

OOKUBO:  Is too!

HIKO: Is not!

OOKUBO: Is too to infinity!  Ha!

HIKO:  Okay, that's it.  ::GOES SCARY MANSLAYER::  You are SERIOUSLY ticking me off, you foolish little government official!  And just because I make pretty sculptures does NOT take away my sexy manly danger!

OOKUBO:  Eep!  Cower before his Almighty Handsomeness!  ::does so::

HIKO:  ::is mollified with all the reverent cowering::  Oh, very well.  I'll let you off this time as long as you hand over that Ring.

OOKUBO:  Well…okay… ::strokes the RING once last time before letting it fall to the ground::

RING:  ::OMINOUS THUNK::

OOKUBO:  Right, I'm leaving before I cause any more problems.  ::exits singing::  The road goes ever on and on, down from the road where it began… ::bye-bye to Ookubo::

HIKO:  See ya, small one.  ::turns and sees Ring::  Oh.  Hm.  ::does NOT want to touch it::

RING:  ::sexy voice::  Hey you.  Big boy.  Down here.

HIKO:  Okay, DEFINITELY not touching that evil thing.  ::stalks off to sit by the fire::

RING:  ::sulks::

KENSHIN:  ::bangs in through front door::  Ookubo-san!  Ookubo-san!  ::notices RING::  …Oh…  ::bends to pick it up::

RING:  ::instantly falls in love with Kenshin::  Awwwww…what a cute lil' hobbit!

KENSHIN:  ::blushes, then looks at Hiko::  He's gone, hasn't he?  ::sniffs::

HIKO:  Yes, and despite my wise advise, he has decided to leave you Kamiya-End.  ::holds out envelope to put the Ring into::

KENSHIN:  Ummm…okay.  ::drops Ring into envelope::

HIKO:  Along with all his possessions.

KENSHIN:  Well, that makes sense…why don't you want to touch his Ring?

HIKO:  Because I have some rather nasty doubts about that Ring that would generally leave me inclined to stay as far away from it as I can.

KENSHIN:  ::blink::

HIKO:  Anyway, I'm leaving now.

KENSHIN:  What?  But Master!  You only just arrived!

HIKO:  There are things more important than you, baka-deshi.  Bye now!  ::Exits::

KENSHIN:  ::looks very pathetic and confused, and gives the Ring in his hand a questioning look::  I don't suppose you could tell me what was going on.

RING:  Nope.

KENSHIN:  I thought not.  ::sighs::

Cast List 

__

FRODO BAGGINS:  Kenshin Himura 

_GANDALF THE GRAY: Seijuro Hiko the Sexy_

_BILBO BAGGINS: Lord Ookubo_

_SAMWISE GAMGEE: Kaoru Kamiya_

_MERIADOC BRANDYBUCK: Sanosuke Sagara_

_PEREGRIN TOOK: Yahiko Myoujin_

_THE RING: Still as Itself_

_WOOT!  I'd just like to say I love this fic.  It's pointless and amusing.  _


	3. Enter Severely Odd Ringwraiths

(Well, here it is—the next installment of Lord of the Hitokiris.  You all had better be loving me, 'cause I is a groovy authoress, that I am.

_DISCLAIMER:  LOTR and RK belong to themselves alone, and though I have a part in both worlds, I claim responsibility for neither.  (Ha, figure THAT out…))_

_We now find ourselves overlooking KYOTO, which is supposed to be IN RUINS, but is in fact not that different from the way it looked three thousand years ago._

_CLOSE-UP of the SIX-ARCH SHRINE.  The point must now be stressed that this shrine is DECKED OUT IN BLACK, has grown to ENORMOUS PROPORTIONS, has TURRETS, BATTLEMENTS, and JUST ABOUT EVERY ITEM A CREEPY FORTRESS CAN HAVE, and is EVIL._

_Inside the SIX-ARCH SHRINE…_

SHISHIO:  ::has just finished crisping Golishi with his creepy HAND OF DOOM::  Mwahahahahaha!

_SHISHIO, though, is no longer handsome or all that young looking.  He now resembles a CRISPY, WALKING MUMMY, because he was burned up when KATSURILDUR chopped off his RING._

ENISHI:  It burns us!  It freezes us!

SHISHIO:  Freezes…?  It's not supposed to do that…

ENISHI:  ::whimpers::  We hates it…stupid Meiji era…

SHISHIO:  Really?  I hate it too.  So if you tell me where my precious—I mean, where my Ring is—then I'll let you go and you can go wreak havoc somewhere.  ::mutters::  Stupid creepy white-haired freak…

ENISHI:  You're one to talk!

SHISHIO: Well?

ENISHI:  Eh, why not?  ::pretends to be in great anguish::   Tokyo…HIMAGGINS! 

MOUNT DOOM:  ::spits out fire in shock::

SHISHIO:  WHAT?!  My Ring's in the Happy Hobbit Land of Tokyo?

ENISHI:  The same!

SHISHIO:  ::shudders::  Ew…all those short people…don't want to go…hey, wait!  ::yells::  You!  Orc lackey!  Summon the Juppon Gatana!  Tell them to go find a Himaggins in Tokyo!

JUPPON GATANA:  ::appear out of nowhere, and look mightily pissed::

SHISHIO:  Well, that was quick.  Now, my minions, go forth and find me—

RINGWRAITH #2:  ::grinds teeth::  We heard.

SHISHIO:  Oh, good, I don't have to repeat myself.  Now get going.

RINGWRAITHS 1-9:  ::fidget::

RINGWRAITH #4:  Umm…Master Shishio…we don't want to go to the Happy Hobbit Land!

RINGWRAITH #7:  They're too short!

RINGWRAITH #9:  And _cute_!

RINGWRAITH #5: And they wear _ribbons_!

RINGWRAITHS:  ::all burst into tears::  PLEASE, MASTER, DON'T MAKE US GOOOOOOOOOO!

SHISHIO:  ::SCARY!::  RAWR!

JUPPON GATANA: ::cower::

SHISHIO:  FIND ME A HIMAGGINS NOW!  OR I'LL—I'LL—WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!  ::burst into boiling-hot tears and sits down sobbing on the steps of the Six-Arch Shrine::

JUPPON GATANA:  Oh, no!  We will find him!  Don't cry, Master!  Please, don't cry!

SHISHIO:  ::sniff::  Y-you'll find m-me a Himag-g-g-gins?

JUPPON GATANA:  Of course, Master!

::WHOMP!::

JUPPON GATANA:  ::all lying in painful positions on the floor::  Ow…

SHISHIO: THEN GET OUT THERE AND DO IT!

JUPPON GATANA:  Eep!  Yessir!

SHISHIO:  So hard to find decent help nowadays…

AUTHORESS:  Hey, aren't you supposed to be a great flaming eye?

SHISHIO:  Got bored.  Taking over the world is much more fun when you can wield a sword and kill people.  ::EVIL GRIN::

AUTHORESS:  Riiiiiiight… ::edges away:: …wonder what the Juppon Gatana are doing…  ::flees::

_The JUPPON GATANA ride out from the Six-Arch Shrine.  All of them are SCARY, in more than one way…_

_WE HAVE…_

RINGWRAITH # 1—The Sword King, UDO JIN'EH.  Creepy smile intact, along with his Hat, which now has gone from looking sinister to vaguely ridiculous with his new robes.

RINGWRAITH #2—UNUMA USUI, the Blind-But-Can-See Wraith.  Has a thing for drinking blood.

RINGWRAITH #3—SAWAGEJOU CHO, the Broom-Headed Wraith.  Waaaaaay too many swords.

RINGWRAITH #4—HONJOU KAMATARI, the Cross-Dressing Wraith.  (He's really enjoying the flowing robes.)

RINGWRAITH #5—KARIWA HENYA, the Flying Wraith of Doooooooooom!  (A/N: Love you, Christine.)

RINGWRAITH #6—IWANBOU, the Big Stupid Wraith.  Pity his poor horse.

RINGWRAITH #7—SAIZUCHI ROUJIN, the Creepy Old Man Wraith.

RINGWRAITH #8—FUJI, the Ridiculously Enormous Wraith.  Pity his horse, too.

RINGWRAITH #9—SENKAKU, the Cone-Headed Wraith.

JUPPON GATANA: _Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!_

AUTHORESS:  It should be noted that I did not come up with the written version of the Ringwraiths' screams.  Christine Persephone did.  Fall down and worship her.  NOW.

_The JUPPON GATANA go charging out into the countryside and start doing horrible things to the scenery.  (Ever had a Black Rider go riding across your pansies in the middle of the night?  I thought not.)_

_Meanwhile, HIKO THE GREY has gone riding towards KYOTO._

MOUNT DOOM:  ::is still coughing up lava::

HIKO:  That can't be good…

_HIKO turns himself around and gallops right over to GONDOR…which now, as well as a magnificent castle, looks THE TINIEST BIT like the POLICE HEADQUARTERS of TOKYO._

HIKO:  Well, that's peculiar…

AUTHORESS:  Look, there's really a limited amount of places in R/K, okay?  And besides, Gondor's too cool to change.

HIKO:  …Whatever.

_So yes, GONDOR really hasn't changed all that much._

::HIKO now stampedes into GONDOR and goes rummaging through some severely crinkly old texts.::

HIKO:  Hmmm, this looks promising.  "The year 1867, the start of the new Meiji Era…here follows the account of Katsurildur…"

_HIKO goes on to read of the HISTORY OF THE RING, which we already know…_

HIKO: "…a secret now which only fire can tell…"  Oh, damn.

_SCENE CHANGE, back to Happy Hobbit Tokyo.  The RINGWRAITHS KAMATARI and IWANBOU are menacing a POOR DEFENSELESS HOBBIT and his DOG._

KAMATARI:  ::blatantly proud of his manly prettiness::  Hey, don't you think these robes do WONDERFUL things for my figure?

HOBBIT:  No!  Please!  Spare me!  ::cowers::

DOG:  Bark!  ::cowers::

KAMATARI:  Freak.  Where's a Himaggins?

HOBBIT: Himaggins?  They're in the downtown Tokyo area!

KAMATARI:  Oh, THAT'S really helpful.  New to the area, dude!  Directions, please!

HOBBIT:  ::points::  That way!

KAMATARI:  Thank you ever so kindly.  Iwanbou!  Come!

::The two RINGWRAITHS ride away::

DOG: Well, that was weird…

HOBBIT:  Aah!  Talking dog!  ::flees::

DOG:  Freak.

Cast List 

__

THE NAZGUL: See Above Script 

_GONDOR: Police Headquarters in Tokyo.  (Sorta.  Not really.)_

_(::smiles::  Yes, I know I'm on crack, heroine, pot, cocaine, meth, caffeine, etc.)_

_(Yes, I am aware that not all of the Nazgul are members of the real Juppon Gatana.  What can I say?  I have places for some of the other members, so they skipped over to their respective parts, and they needed others to take their place.  Hence, Jin'eh and Senkaku.  Please forgive my transgression, and just call them the Juppon Gatana anyway.  It saves so much time.)_


End file.
